And then there’s that girl; the one that’s always confused, the one that’s never good enough, the one who’s been through so much, but she’s still trying her hardest to be happy.

inspyrred:

(via 365thoughts)

long way to happy .

Maybe I’m looking for sympathy. Maybe I just want people to care for me. Maybe I do it to myself. But, is it so wrong to want know that you have people who will listen to you?  Is it so wrong that I still hurt after all this time? Maybe it’s a call for help.

Why can’t I just not care? Why can’t i just be indifferent? I sit in my room and constantly scroll down my msn list to see if his name changes, if his picture changes and when it does I obsess about it. I do want him to be happy and he can do what he wants but I want so bad for it not to affect me anymore. I want so bad to be just happy with myself.  I always tell people that they have to be happy with themselves and love themselves to love another. Truth is, I don’t love myself enough. I don’t think that I really deserve the best, I think I settle because I’m scared of what the better can give me. But I just end up getting hurt still.  If the worst hurts me then what will the best do to me.  I’ll die. I couldn’t possibly do that. 

I want so bad to be indifferent.  I want so bad not to be afraid of the unknown.  I want so bad not to be afraid of being alone.  But I’m terrified. I’m scared shitless. I can’t stand thinking of the fact that I’ll end up dying alone.  My heart aches for company and I would much rather die than end up alone… it’s not like anyone would know if I were alone. I’m terrified of what I am capable of doing to myself. 

I’m scared shitless.

You need to come home, b.

I sit here as I reflect as to how much my life has changed since seven months ago.  My life has been turned upside down, put tin a box and shaken completely and handed back to me.  No way in a million years would I have imagined that I would be sitting on my bed writing things with everything that has happened to me.  I was stronger.  I really was but with everything that I’ve been put through, I can’t find that strength I once had in me.  I’m trying so hard but I’m working on the smallest thread of strength I have left, the smallest thread of confidence I have left.  I  have been stripped of my confidence, my happiness and everything I used to call myself.  I’m trying my hardest to pick myself up from this dark moment of my life. 

A friend of mine told me that this has been a tough first year for me.  He gave me props.  Truth is, he doesn’t even know the whole story.  He doesn’t know truly all that I’ve truly been through.  I’m broken. Right now, I’m not sure when I can build myself back together.  I always say to hold on to that part of you that makes you, you and that youth and energy that you had as a young one.  I feel like I’ve prided myself for quite sometime.  I’ve hit a damn hard wall and I’ve lost that innocent, young and happy Bonnie.  I can’t find her for the death of me and I fear that if I don’t stop and find her now, she’ll be lost for ever.  She was  never that good at directions …

But god damn, where the hell are you Bonnie? I honestly need you, I can’t face this on my own, I need your spirit and the way you used to handle problems: with a smile and a shrug.  Now, all I seem to do is cry. I miss how you used to be so carefree and how you used to be wild and crazy.  I miss how you used to make awkward situations less awkward with your spirit.  I miss how you used to make others smile with just one saying.  I miss how happy you were.  I need that back in my life because there’s no way that I can face the next few years without you.  You are the one person that I need to do this.  We got to do this together … Please come back home, Bonnie.  I miss you like crazy.

i want.

I just want to be looked and longed for again.  I want to feel sexy and hot.  I want to feel like that special guy can’t resist me and needs to kiss me.  I want to feel that way again. It’s going to be a long time before I feel like that again.  I hope it won’t be too long. and maybe I’m just frustrated and it sucks but what can I do? 

Just so long as I have my dignity and stay myself and keep my individuality, hopefully that one guy will come soon.  haha. no pun intended.

wasted time?

It’s funny how that one person used to be able to shield you from all the pain and horrors of the world can turn into the greatest pain and horror of your life.  Someone that you one trusted with all your heart and soul and life and that one person takes that and breaks everything.

How can someone you thought was so close to you and you thought that you knew everything about, turn into someone you no longer know? I want to say that it’s a waste of time and there’s no point. But, there has to be a reason and a message behind all of this. It’s just taking me so much longer for some reason to get to that message and reason. 

I believe so strongly in karma and I feel like I am a good person with a big heart.  How come these things just keep not going my way? All I can do is keep trying.